Monday, May 17, 2004

Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's the pain that still gets thru..... I just talked to the nurse taking care of Jon today. She told me that his trache had popped out and they had to put it back in. So I asked her why they put it back in and she told me the story about how important it is that they can get him unplugged if some mucus gets in the wrong place. See, I'm talking to a Christian and they don't think like pagans...From my viewpoint nothing is outside the grasp of the Goddess, the Creator. Jon's trache popped out because he wants it out of there! When they suction him, when they shove a tube into his lungs, tearing flesh and sucking up hurts like hell. His hands go up to his throat and his eyes get big and red and he hurts so bad..... but if the fluids don't get out of there they can cause pneumonia so the doctors want a short clear passage to the liquids so they can save him.

What are they saving him for? What is he coming back to? Twisted feet, twisted hands, broken thinking, loss of control, or memory....all this they want him to have until he dies....which will be fairly soon according to the statistics. Ten years tops.

I'm not saying kill him...hell no. But if they take the trache out he will see himself as not being attached to a hissing hose, not half plastic and half flesh. They will show him progress in his condition, something to build on. Without something to build on, what reason does he have to fight? Why should he want to come back to those hands, those feet, that fate? No, if we can't give him something that will make he think there is something waiting for him besides a wheelchair and tubes shoved down his throat...he's not coming back.

Pagans believe that this life is an eyeblink, that we go on and we live forever, because we are part of the Creator, part of the goddess. This life is short and should be sweet. We believe that someone like Jon can make choices on some level and those choices can impact on this life. He wants the trache out....I know because I've seen him move his hands to it, looking sad and upset. I KNOW how my son looks and thinks and feels....I am, after all, the person who helped bring him into this world. I am the person who walked with him at 3 in the morning when he was sick and crying. I'm the guy who taught him jokes and entertained him with puppets and noisey toys. He is a part of me.

I think Jon wants to try to make a go of it and the first thing we can do to make it easier for him is unplug him from that damn tube. He is breathing on his own, he coughs up crap, he swallows on his own.....he only needs help when he fails, and what if that time is the time he has chosen to go? Why should we pull him back if we pull him back only to a broken body, a damaged mind and no future? I would rather set him free to be reborn. He's done his time. But I sure as hell am not about to suggest that he be killed. Quite the opposite. I suggest we show faith in Jon and the Creator and take the trache out and let Jon try to breath and talk and grow stronger. I don't think he's going to get better if they keep shoving that tube down his lungs. If he doesn't see something good on the horizon, he's just going to hunker down, dream a little dream...maybe some spirit walking....but he won't try to recover anything if he thinks it's going to be what it is now.

I'm going to try very hard to get him into a nearby long term place so he will see that we are still trying. He will see that life can change and for the better.

Right now the car is in the shop, my back is waiting for the MRIs to tell someone why I hurt so much so much of the time. I can't go visit Jon and if i do I will have to dose up so much to kill the pain that I am risking everything for the visit. Who will care for Jon if I fall asleep at the wheel driving down to see him?

I want to be well, I want my boy somewhere close. I want the pain to stop.

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